The Blog of fearlesspunk

My boyfriend and I used to fit together like a puzzle.  We would talk on the phone until six in the morning, lay in bed for hours just enjoying each other's company.  He used to support me no matter what and gave me great advice.  He was always there for me and was never judgemental.  He used to offer to do things for me all the time.  In fact, we used to fight because I was so pig-headedly stubborn I wanted to do everything for myself.  I don't think I ever told him how much I really appreciated the little things he did for me, even when I said I didn't.  Now he doesn't do those little things anymore.  He doesn't offer to get me a freezy pop when he gets up to get one.  He doesn't send me text messages asking how my day's going or kiss me on the forehead when I'm upset about something.

Then last night, I finally broke.  I've been so depressed for a month now, and I wanted to tell him.  Sunday night I asked if we could go for a walk when he was done with work on Monday, but that never happened.  Yesterday I was feeling really down so I went to go visit him at the bar we work at.  I don't know why I do that, because every time I go there when he's working I feel ignored.  But I don't tell him that because he would just jump down my throat.  Anyway, I offered to go to dinner in hopes that we could talk, but he said he was starving and wanted food right away so we ordered pizza.  We went back to his house and I was hoping that we could finally spend some quality time together, but he went over to his neighbor's for like half an hour.  When he came back we just watched TV for a while.  I told him about a call I got earlier that day and he asked why I didn't tell him sooner.  I didn't tell him sooner because I didn't want to talk about my personal life in front of everyone at the bar.  But I didn't tell him that was why.  Then I told him I was gonna go to bed, I had an exam in the morning.  He stayed and watched TV.  I laid in bed reading a magazine and crying.  I was so depressed I couldn't take it anymore.  I got up and was going to go for a walk, but found my boyfriend sleeping on the couch.  I woke him up and he just turned everything off and went upstairs.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs until he finally asked if I was coming up.  So I kept my mouth shut about all of my emotions and went to bed.  As we laid in bed I was trying desperately not to let him hear me cry.  I wanted him to get some sleep because he usually works early in the morning.  It didn't work and I ended up just sighing heavily until he rolled over and said "What's your deal?".  I didn't say a word.  I got up, grabbed my stuff, and headed for the door.  He asked where I was going and I said "Home" and stormed off.  I got in my car and drove around for a half an hour.  I couldn't believe he hadn't called me or at least texted me to see if I got home ok.  Before he would have insisted I at least text him so he knew I got home okay.  But that's on the long list of things he doesn't do anymore.  I finally texted him and told him my "deal" was that I was depressed, and after some arguing and me finally asking him why he didn't just apologize in the first place for what he said, he stopped responding to my texts.  I called him and asked why and he told me it was because he didn't want to fight over texting.  I told him he could have called but he said he was in the bathroom.  Finally, over an hour after I told him I was depressed, he asked me why.  And I just started sobbing.  I told him I wasn't sure of anything in my life and I was screwed up because I was better when everything was going wrong, and when everything was okay I couldn't handle it.  He asked if I had told anyone, and I said no because I didn't want people to think I was crazy.

I finally went back to his house (I'd driven past it three times already).  I got out of my car, walked up the stairs, and opened the door to his room.  He didn't say a word.  Not one word.  Not "Hi", not "are you ok?" nothing.  So I crawled into bed and just started sobbing again.  I started talking about how the only thing I was sure of was him.  I poured my heart out, and in the end he made fun of me.  Granted, I made fun of myself first for being crazy, but he took it a step too far.  When I told him it wasn't nice to make fun of my insecurities he just laughed at me.  So I woke up this morning and I wasn't sure about him anymore.  My loving, supportive boyfriend now seems like an unfamiliar person to me.  Don't get me wrong, I still love him tremendously.  I'm just worried that maybe I rushed into things before I knew all facets of his personality.  Maybe it's my fault.  Maybe I was so stubborn about doing everything for myself and not talking about what was wrong that I pushed him away.   I want so badly for things to go back to the way they were.  I miss the relationship we used to have where I could tell him anything and I didn't feel like I was being judged or made fun of.  I just don't know how to get that back, and I don't know how to tell him.

Like many people I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Right now I'm bartending and I used to love it, but now I hate it.  I just got a job in customer service doing what I always said I never wanted to-sitting in a cubicle eight hours a day talking on the phone.  I'm going to school for business, but I hate that too.  My boyfriend made mention the other day that I should go to culinary school.  It seems like a good idea.  After all, I'm only truly happy when I'm cooking.  But the thought of failing at something that I truly love is terrifying.  See, it's easy to fail things I don't like.  I don't have to take it personally.  But failing at something I love....that would just be too hard to cope with.  So I'm floating along, afraid of doing something I might actually enjoy, but miserable because I continue to do things I hate.

Things have been getting better lately.  Everything has been wonderful with my boyfriend ever since that last big fight.  I've been interviewing for new jobs so maybe soon I'll be able to get out of the bar scene.  The only problem is I have all these questions in my head.  Like, is this really where I want to go?  Am I ready to be in a serious relationship, or are there things that I want to do before I settle down?  Do I want to travel?  Should I stay close to home?  I was talking to my best friend about it, and she says she feels the same way sometimes.  She has a career already, and is engaged, and is younger than me.  My boyfriend's also has a career, has been married before, is older than me, and also knows what he wants.  Don't get me wrong, I love both of them, but being around them makes me feel like I'm dragging my feet.  My boyfriend thinks I'll never be happy working for someone else.  I think he's right.  I think I'm too stubborn, self-motivated, and pushy to work for anyone else and truly be happy.  I like to be in charge-as much as I say I hate it.  I hope one day I'll figure all that out.  For now I guess I'll just keep on floating.

Over the weekend my dad's girlfriend and I were watching Stepmom together.  Well, he's really my stepdad, but I've called him dad since I was kid. (This pertains to the story I promise).  So anyway, we're watching this movie and she turns to me and asks me when the last time I talked to Chris (my biological father, aka sperm donor) was.  I said when I was sixteen right after I got my license.  And she replied, wow, you haven't seen him since you were sixteen.  Then I corrected her, no, I haven't seen him since I was thirteen.  The last time I talked to him was when I was sixteen right after I got my license and he asked me who would ever give me a driver's license.  This was also over a year after the last time I talked to him before that.

So anyway, my dad's girlfriend proceeds to tell me something about how I got stuck with some crummy parents or something along those lines and then commend me for keeping a positive attitude about loving the family you have, even if they're not your biological family... That really got me thinking.  I'm not always so positive about it.  Sometimes I get full of self-pity.  Mother's Day is comin up and a lot of my friends are talking about how close they've gotten with their moms since we've been outta high school and it's just frustrating.  Like I sit there and try not to feel all that self-pity stuff but it's hard.  Then on top of it I get more frustrated when my boyfriend doesn't seem to really appreciate his mom.  I know he does, but it's like he doesn't understand what it's like to not have a mom as great as his.  My mom never did anything for us when she was around, and I haven't talked to her in over a year now.  Sometimes I don't know how to let all those feelings out.  I feel like people are gonna look down on me if I don't keep pretending to be okay with it and act as strong as they think I am...