The Blog of fearlesspunk

My boyfriend and I used to fit together like a puzzle.  We would talk on the phone until six in the morning, lay in bed for hours just enjoying each other's company.  He used to support me no matter what and gave me great advice.  He was always there for me and was never judgemental.  He used to offer to do things for me all the time.  In fact, we used to fight because I was so pig-headedly stubborn I wanted to do everything for myself.  I don't think I ever told him how much I really appreciated the little things he did for me, even when I said I didn't.  Now he doesn't do those little things anymore.  He doesn't offer to get me a freezy pop when he gets up to get one.  He doesn't send me text messages asking how my day's going or kiss me on the forehead when I'm upset about something.

Then last night, I finally broke.  I've been so depressed for a month now, and I wanted to tell him.  Sunday night I asked if we could go for a walk when he was done with work on Monday, but that never happened.  Yesterday I was feeling really down so I went to go visit him at the bar we work at.  I don't know why I do that, because every time I go there when he's working I feel ignored.  But I don't tell him that because he would just jump down my throat.  Anyway, I offered to go to dinner in hopes that we could talk, but he said he was starving and wanted food right away so we ordered pizza.  We went back to his house and I was hoping that we could finally spend some quality time together, but he went over to his neighbor's for like half an hour.  When he came back we just watched TV for a while.  I told him about a call I got earlier that day and he asked why I didn't tell him sooner.  I didn't tell him sooner because I didn't want to talk about my personal life in front of everyone at the bar.  But I didn't tell him that was why.  Then I told him I was gonna go to bed, I had an exam in the morning.  He stayed and watched TV.  I laid in bed reading a magazine and crying.  I was so depressed I couldn't take it anymore.  I got up and was going to go for a walk, but found my boyfriend sleeping on the couch.  I woke him up and he just turned everything off and went upstairs.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs until he finally asked if I was coming up.  So I kept my mouth shut about all of my emotions and went to bed.  As we laid in bed I was trying desperately not to let him hear me cry.  I wanted him to get some sleep because he usually works early in the morning.  It didn't work and I ended up just sighing heavily until he rolled over and said "What's your deal?".  I didn't say a word.  I got up, grabbed my stuff, and headed for the door.  He asked where I was going and I said "Home" and stormed off.  I got in my car and drove around for a half an hour.  I couldn't believe he hadn't called me or at least texted me to see if I got home ok.  Before he would have insisted I at least text him so he knew I got home okay.  But that's on the long list of things he doesn't do anymore.  I finally texted him and told him my "deal" was that I was depressed, and after some arguing and me finally asking him why he didn't just apologize in the first place for what he said, he stopped responding to my texts.  I called him and asked why and he told me it was because he didn't want to fight over texting.  I told him he could have called but he said he was in the bathroom.  Finally, over an hour after I told him I was depressed, he asked me why.  And I just started sobbing.  I told him I wasn't sure of anything in my life and I was screwed up because I was better when everything was going wrong, and when everything was okay I couldn't handle it.  He asked if I had told anyone, and I said no because I didn't want people to think I was crazy.

I finally went back to his house (I'd driven past it three times already).  I got out of my car, walked up the stairs, and opened the door to his room.  He didn't say a word.  Not one word.  Not "Hi", not "are you ok?" nothing.  So I crawled into bed and just started sobbing again.  I started talking about how the only thing I was sure of was him.  I poured my heart out, and in the end he made fun of me.  Granted, I made fun of myself first for being crazy, but he took it a step too far.  When I told him it wasn't nice to make fun of my insecurities he just laughed at me.  So I woke up this morning and I wasn't sure about him anymore.  My loving, supportive boyfriend now seems like an unfamiliar person to me.  Don't get me wrong, I still love him tremendously.  I'm just worried that maybe I rushed into things before I knew all facets of his personality.  Maybe it's my fault.  Maybe I was so stubborn about doing everything for myself and not talking about what was wrong that I pushed him away.   I want so badly for things to go back to the way they were.  I miss the relationship we used to have where I could tell him anything and I didn't feel like I was being judged or made fun of.  I just don't know how to get that back, and I don't know how to tell him.